Today I thought I’d go and check out the new Westfield shopping centre which has miraculously appeared not far from my house.

I’ve gotta admit, they’ve done a good job with it. It’s sparkling and brand new, like a shiny castle guarded by multilingual attendants who march around bearing shiny little name badges with flags on to show off how many languages they are proficient in. Anyone would think they’re about to hold the Olympic Games here or something. From the outside at least, it seems like the work they put into Westfield Stratford has paid off.

But that’s all over once you step inside and realise that it is just in fact, and not surprisingly, another mall – another glossy, homogenised parade of franchises thrown together under one roof. Another place for people to gather and spend their money while being fed messages by the devil of advertising – a temple to the god of consumerism, with psalms like “Buy this!!” “Dress this way!!” “Don’t think for yourselves, we can do that for you!!”

In short, another example of the generic, soulless experience which worryingly, is fast becoming the face of shopping everywhere. If you awoke from a coma while standing at the heart of Westfield’s central atrium and turned 360°, you wouldn’t have a clue where you were other than that you were in a mall somewhere. You could be in any city in any developed country on the planet. But sadly, this scene is now commonplace. Alas, this is the new market square.

Not to say there aren’t some similarities with a market square – of course, money is spent. Admittedly a whole lot more money, but it’s the same principle, just on a bigger and much grander scale. And as with any place where large numbers of people gather, you get the age-old problem of having a lot of hungry people in one place. Westfield has solved this problem the same way that many other malls have done before – by sticking a selection of the UK’s biggest and most well-known restaurants and fast food chains under one roof. After all, if you build it, they will come.

The food court. The Antithesis to everything that is good about food. My nemesis. And Westfield has not one, but three. So I thought I’d take a walk around and see for myself the different options that a hungry shopper might choose to satisfy his or her hunger, in the hope that I might be pleasantly surprised.

Surprise surprise, this was one of the first ones I came across.

Now, Subway is kind of a double-edged sword. Yes, it’s a chain. But as a consumer you do have a lot more control over what goes into your end product. And it’s gotta be healthier than McDonalds or Burger King, right?? Well, we won’t go into that. And a lot of their menus contain a heading entitled “Local Favourites”, which has got to be good, right?? Well, we will go into that. I’ll always remember something I once read on a Subway pamphlet, along the lines of “If you order one of our sandwiches in Jamaica, then fly to New Zealand and order exactly the same sandwich, you won’t be able to taste the difference”. Clearly nobody has told them that this isn’t a good thing. What’s wrong with using what’s fresh and what’s local?? Anyway… moving on, we have…

“Olive Oil and Oregano”. What, do they only serve two ingredients??

And again. Do they only serve sticky rice and nothing else?? Doesn’t sound very appetising. What’s up with the names in this place??

Of course, the colonel has set up shop…

…as well as the clown.

Mr Ramsden’s flying the flag for British enterprise…

… and there’s a Spudulike. Sort of a throwback to the ’80s which seems to be enjoying a bit of a revival.

Then there’s the first of two Caribbean food places, “Caribbean Scene”. Or rather “Caribbean Scene Quick”. Wait, have they added the word “Quick” to denote that it’s supposed to be a fast food place?? That wouldn’t go down too well in the slow, laid back pace of the Caribbean.

That covers the first area, which is the most informal of the three and the only one to feature a central dining area with generic tables, obviously designed so that people can get a quick bite to eat then get back to spending their money. The second area is the Great Eastern Market, which is in the area outside Waitrose.

Waitrose obviously decided that one huge green neon sign wasn’t enough, and put a second one up. Cunningly, they put it right above the sign that said “Great Eastern Market”, so that it looked like they sponsored or were in some way responsible for, the Great Eastern Market. However, the Westfield bigwigs were having none of this, and to avoid any confusion over whose Great Eastern Market it is they put up a smaller sign to the left that simply read “and”. And the rest was history. Well, that’s probably what happened, anyway.

The Great Eastern Market is a small area built around the escalator outside Waitrose, and looks as if it was designed with an Arabian souk kind of feel in mind. By somebody who has probably never been to an Arabian souk. It’s full of places whose menus and literature are full of culinary buzz words such as “artisanal”.

Karaway is a prime example.

Opposite is a small moorish tapas bar, Elcantara. I’ve got to admit this did look intriguing.

Then there’s Royal – an Indian sweet shop. Not the kind on your average corner. This one specialises in high-end Indian desserts and they are rather nice if you can stomach the price.


When I saw the sign for “Tap East”, I immediately thought of an Eastern-style tapas bar.

However, this was not the case. On further inspection I learned that it is in fact a microbrewery – and rather a cute one as you’ll see below. I’m mildly annoyed that in the whole of Westfield this is the one place which most closely resembles a pub, yet they seem ashamed to call it that and so it got labelled with the tag of “microbrewery”. The “Stratford City” part was also put there to annoy me. Stratford is not and never will be a city.

Next up, how about a quick nosh??

Then there’s “Zack’s Authentic Lebanese Deli”. Not sure that “Zack” is an authentically Lebanese name.

Not to be outdone, the Italians set up a deli right next door. They called theirs “Arancini”, which does at least sound Italian, although what was on offer looked very average for such an upmarket price.

Tucked right around the corner is Westfield’s best kept secret – Umai, a Japanese eatery and supermarket. As I could quite easily eat nothing but Japanese food, I was in my element here. Finally there was a reason to keep me coming back – I now have a Japanese supermarket just twenty minutes from my house.

The last place I saw was Arabella. They do nuts and dates and stuff.

Just upstairs from the Great Eastern Market there was this place handing out free samples. After trying one I ran back and immediately grabbed a handful. Mr Pretzel’s might just do the nicest cinnamon donuts around.

Then I found myself in the largest of the three “food courts”, if you could call them that. You could certainly call this one it, as there was a sign to that effect.

Of course, I was intrigued just to find out how many different world cuisines were represented in the “World Food Court”. I must say I was pleasantly surprised.

1 – Japanese. Yo! Sushi does a lot of business on the back of the ‘novelty factor’, the whole conveyor belt thing. To be fair though, I’ve eaten there many a time and the food is not that bad. Of course, it can’t hold a candle to properly prepared sushi, but as a representative for Japanese cuisine I’m so glad they went with this and not Wagamama’s.

2 – Mexican. Again, another restaurant which has succumbed to the trend of naming itself after a key ingredient in its cuisine. That’s like KFC calling itself “Mutant Birds” or my local Chinese takeaway calling itself “Saliva”. I’ve gotta admit this one isn’t bad, but then I’m a sucker for all things Mexican, especially Salma Hayek’s knockers.

3 – American. Chicago Rib Shack, to be precise.

Apparently, they also do burgers and wings. Though, given the name I was surprised to find out that they do ribs as well.

4 – Thai. And I was delighted to see that it was this place – Rosa’s – that they had chosen to represent Thai cuisine. They have their flagship branch in Spitalfields where I have eaten on two occasions and been highly impressed, firstly I was introduced to it by Rob and Maew last year, and I took The Girlfriend there in September. Both times were pretty good experiences.

This whole “World Food Court” seems to have an emphasis on “street food”. That is, they are going for a street food feel. They must have been – “Street Food” is mentioned in at least three of the neon signs.
5 – Indian

6 – Vietnamese

7 – Chinese

Street food for me is small, independent retailers doing what they do best or what they have done for years, if not generations. Street food is one of my favourite kinds of food (being a fat guy, I am allowed to have more than one). But it does involve something of a venture into the unknown – walking around a market, trying new things, sampling not only the foods but the smells, the colours and the sounds. It’s why I always go to the local market whenever I first arrive in a new place, it allows you to really get a feel of the heart and soul of the place. It seemed like the Westfield planners wanted to capture that feel, but if they were shooting for authenticity, they missed. Something wasn’t quite right about it.

8 – Lebanese. “Comptoir Libanais”, a.k.a. the home of the giant scary face.
9 – Italian. Well, pizza anyway. Technically more of an American thing but that’s another debate.

Banger Bros – Sausages. I can’t really count this as a seperate cuisine. “Banger Bros” sounds quite British but then again calling them “dogs” is an American practice for a quintessentially German ingredient. So a bit of a weird one.

10 – Caribbean. And again, overpriced Caribbean. Actually this one seemed even less authentic than the one in the first food court – I think it had something to do with the logo. It kind of gave the impression that Levi Roots wasn’t too far away. In fact I hurried on in case he popped out from behind the fake palm trees.

11 -  British. Fish & chips, Or “Chip & Fish”, as they like to call it. That makes it sound like you get loads of individual fishes but only one chip.

And finally, not really a cuisine but they had a healthier eating option, a place lovingly entitled “Tossed”. I’m not eating their salad dressing.

So that covers all of the food courts. Upstairs there is a Gourmet Burger Kitchen, TGI’s and a few others, and there are a few more restaurants outside including, I’m told, a Brazilian barbecue. It was a bit too cold to venture out there, though. With all of these, plus the various kiosks dotted around which serve ice cream, coffee, donuts, etc,  you are actually spoiled for choice. Which brand will you go for today??

And if it all goes horribly wrong, there’s always Greggs.

Good old Greggs, home of the Chicken Tikka sandwich with thousand island sauce. I love how this branch has been given a good old polish which your average high street branch is often lacking.

Overall, the food options at Westfield may be vastly numbered, but they are there out of necessity and nothing else. It seems like when the various chains heard Westfield was being built, they all wanted a piece of the action. And sadly in a world where money is king, Westfield’s big cheeses had the opportunity to do something really innovative with the food scene, instead they passed it up to the highest bidder. Their attempt at recreating a street food scene using corporate outlets was laughable, a plastic chopstick through the heart of the small business. What’s even more annoying is that they only needed to hop on the tube up to Camden Town to see how it should be done. If you’re a gourmand with a sense of adventure such as myself, you should definitely look further afield than Westfield.

On the other hand, if you like wearing labels and fitting in with the crowd, and hate trying new things or *heaven forbid* actually thinking for yourself and coming up with your own ideas, go to Westfield. You’ll love it. But please stop calling it “Stratford City”, I beg you.

The problem is that for some reason the pictures were not restored when the site was brought back online. We’re talking 1,100+ images. I know that the pictures are still out there somewhere. They are still showing up in Google Images search. But the web team still have not got back to Dean regarding whether or not my pictures were backed up. And I don’t really have time to manually save over a thousand images and then upload them into WordPress. The photos save quite small anyway so I’m not sure it would be the same. Unfortunately it seems as though there’s no straightforward solution. But watch this space.

So, why FFXIII?? Well, The Girlfriend has a PS3 and very kindly bought me a second hand copy. So I was finally able to play the game, 18 months after its release date. My experiences with the previous FF games I’d played (VII, VIII, IX, X and XII) had instilled in me an idea of what to expect from a new one – that balance between the familiar and the groundbreakingly new. Sometimes the new features take a bit of getting used to, but I’ve yet to be disappointed by any of the FF titles apart from X-2 which was a sequel and therefore, in my opinion, not a true FF title. So I had high hopes when I slotted the disc in for the very first time.

Final Fantasy XIII

Publisher: Square
Released: March 2010

First impressions? Well, The cut scenes are fabulous as always and the graphics are understandably the best ones yet. I was quite surprised when I noticed Leona Lewis’ name pop up in the opening credits. Whilst it cannot be denied that Ms. Lewis has an amazing voice, it felt out of place and I personally felt a bit let down that Square felt the need to add such a big name to the soundtrack. It’s not like FF games have difficulty flying off shelves now, is it? (Incidentally, this would be the first Final Fantasy game with which the genius Nobuo Uematsu had no involvement. I was apprehensive but decided to let my ears be the judge.)

The opening sequence features a train (now where have I seen that before in the Final Fantasy series?? Hmmm… I wonder) and we get our first glimpse of the characters. Among the passengers is the main character, Lightning. Although she’s a girl, there’s more than a hint of Cloud Strife about her. She kicks off and destroys a bunch of people which is pretty cool. We also meet Sazh Katzroy, the token ‘cool black guy’ with a soft spot for tiny yellow birds (chocobos, as any hardcore FF fan will tell you). He has a baby one living in his afro which would be quite gross if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s so bloody cute. Add some tasty guns and a Samuel L. Jackson-esque voice actor into the mix, and it’s difficult not to like Sazh.

Gradually we are introduced to the full cast of six playable characters, about whom I have divided opinions. We have Snow Villiers, the leader of a resistance movement, whose heart appears to be as big as his ego (although only just). Being a resistance leader would immediately throw up comparisons to Barret from FF7, although whereas Barret fights for personal reasons Snow appears for the most part to be fighting simply so that he can be seen as a ‘hero’. But I feel Snow actually has more in common with FF8′s Seifer, in the sense that there’s always the suggestion that he could easily turn villain. Think Seifer with the fist-fighting skills of Zell. Snow is maybe my favourite character in the whole game.

But I did say my opinions were divided. While the amount of hard work that has obviously gone into developing the characters is well evident, not all of it has paid off. Vanille, for example, is annoying as fuck. For the most part, she’s just way too cheerful. Like makes-you-want-to-scramble-her-face-with-an-electric-egg-whisk-cheerful.

Hope also starts out being a pretty lame character, but I like how his story unravels and he develops from somewhat of a wuss into a tough young fighter seeking revenge on Snow who he blames for the death of his mother. Looks-wise, though, he still reminds me of a pre-pubescent Tidus.

Rounding up the party is Vanille’s sister Fang, whose Australian accent feels a bit out of place, but her fighting skills make her an asset to the party.

The storyline in a nutshell: Basically, there are two worlds called “Pulse” and “Cocoon”. The citizens of Pulse and Cocoon do not like each other. To say they don’t trust each other is an understatement – Cocoon’s government has a policy of “purging” anyone who is from Pulse, has been to Pulse, or has even brushed past someone in the street who has been there. By ‘purging’, they mean ‘killing’. Sazh and Lightning are two such citizens about to be purged before Lightning breaks free from the train and destroys all the guards. At the same time, a rebel faction called “Operation N.O.R.A.”, led by Snow, fights back against the Cocoon government and the six characters’ paths eventually cross. Pulse and Cocoon are sort of run by these god-like creatures called the “Fal’Cie”, who force anyone who comes into contact with them to become their slaves (or “l’Cie”). The l’Cie have to perform a task (called a “focus”), otherwise they turn into mindless zombie-like creatures called “Cie’th”. The party stumbles upon a Fal’Cie and they all become l’Cie, and they must then figure out their focus in order to avoid becoming Cie’th.

Pretty confusing stuff. So confusing, in fact, that the player is given a feature called the “Datalog”, which can be accessed via the menu and displays a running summary of the storyline events as the game progresses. After cutscenes, players are often greeted by the message “Datalog Updated”, so just in case you couldn’t understand what was just happening in the last cutscene, it is all written down for you. The datalog also contains useful information such as an explanation of the battle system and bios of the characters you meet along the way, and also a bestiary where players can view information on enemies they’ve defeated. So much information, in fact, that the Datalog effectively rules out any need for a strategy guide. A genius marketing ploy. But it does make you wonder… how good can a game be if it needs a “datalog” to explain its own storyline?? It’s kind of reminiscent of the blackboard scene in Back To The Future 2.

The most common criticism I’ve heard of FFXIII is that of its linear-style of gameplay. This has been well documented as one of the game’s fundamental flaws and has been banded around discussion boards since the game’s release, with some critics even going as far as to say that Square have ruined the game by removing the sense of free-roaming and exploration that is the true nature of the Final Fantasy series. I too was doubtful, but decided to reserve judgment until I’d given it a chance. After all, the Resident Evil titles (to name but one franchise) are all pretty linear, and they made great games.

So, just how linear is it? Well, very. You literally run down corridors fighting enemies then watching cutscenes, and occasionally stopping to tweak your battle get-up. That’s right, for the most part you are confined to paths in which the only way to go is onward to your next destination. What gets me is that the scenery is some of the best in a Final Fantasy game. Stunning 3D backdrops to a game which, ironically, feels very one-dimensional.

This would be even a little bearable if the player was given some form of occasional distraction such as a new town or village to explore; however, even the cities of FFXIII are made up of sets of paths leading from A to B. Even the odd shop would be a welcome addition, but they’ve done away with them as well. Instead, the player purchases items from save points by first selecting “shop”, then choosing from a list of shops. Sort of like buying online. Even small details such as treasure chests are now replaced by treasure ‘spheres’, orbs (normally guarded by enemies) which oscillate in mid air. Which is all well and good, it’s just that there’s no need for it.

Now, let’s talk about maybe the most important aspect of a Final Fantasy game: The battle system.

Shortly after finding myself in my very first fight of FFVIII, the command window popped up in the bottom left-hand corner as I’d expected it to.

What I had not expected, however, was the top option on the list. I couldn’t quite believe my eyes. I think the exact words that went through my brain were “What the fuck is this??” It said:

“Auto-Battle”.

Yes, the game now chooses your precise commands. You choose “Auto-Battle” and the game chooses a series of actions based on your current situation. You don’t have to choose this option; you can manually input commands. In fact, to begin with I chose to do this instead.
“I think I’ll make my own choices, thank you very much!” I stubbornly remember thinking to myself.  But quickly I realised that all this did was slow me down in the heat of a battle, and the battles seem to be designed around speed (in fact, you get reward points after each battle based on how quickly you kill the enemies). So reluctantly, I started to use Auto-Battle and resigned myself to simply button-mashing my way through the first few chapters.

Luckily, Auto-Battle almost always chose the option I would have gone with anyway. But again it was another trade-off; taking a little more freedom away from the player in exchange for a much faster-paced battle mechanic.

The initial reduced sense of freedom eventually gives way to a more overall intense battle experience which is far more challenging than in most of the predecessors. The enemies are once again on-screen as in FF12, meaning a much smoother transition between gameplay and battles. The player now controls one character as opposed to the entire party. Fallen colleagues can be resurrected as in previous games by using magic or a Phoenix Down, but if your party leader snuffs it, it’s game over.

You can control the actions of your teammates to a certain extent by using “Paradigms”, preset roles each with their own abilities which act kind of like a scaled-down version of FF12′s Gambit system. You can change paradigms mid-battle and you can expect to be doing this a hell of a lot, particularly in boss fights. Each enemy has a “chain gauge”, and your goal is to fill this as quickly as possible by delivering rapid successions of hits. Fill it and your foe becomes “staggered” making them more susceptible to damage.

Also missing is a “Limit Break” or “Overdrive” system, meaning that the characters do not possess any individual “special” attacks. Instead, abilities are now role-dependant so the only real difference between characters is that they learn abilities in a slightly different order. Instead, each character will at some point gain the use of an Eidolon (which FF9 players will tell you means a Summon spell).

Heck, the summon spells are maybe the best feature of the entire game. Choose the Summon command and you will be joined in battle by your character’s Eidolon, who will first aid you in regular battle as an NPC before a press of the Square button activates “Gestalt Mode”, in which the Eidolon transforms into a piece of devastating apparatus – Lightning’s Eidolon, Odin, for example, transforms into a horse which she then mounts, and Snow’s Eidolon is a pair of sisters who transform into a motorcycle that he can ride. Gestalt mode allows the player to input a series of commands to cut down enemies before delivering a final attack, and the animations are spectacular.

On the whole, Square took a huge gamble with many aspects of FFXIII and in my opinion, just enough of it has paid off. The battle system is innovative, action-packed and challenging and the storyline manages to hook you in even if you are having trouble fully understanding what is going on. I would have liked a little more freedom to explore the world, and there are probably a few other niggly things I’d maybe change, but for me the main flaw of FFXIII is that there were times when it did not feel like I was playing a Final Fantasy game, and that’s the biggest sin this edition is guilty of. Going forward, I think a step back to the roots of the FF series would be a breath of fresh air, possibly along the same lines as FF9. However it is still an entertaining adventure and I said earlier that I’d never been disappointed by a Final Fantasy game. That still rings true, even if I have to concede that it’s not the best one I’ve ever played. I’d give it 8/10.

Fortunately The Girlfriend likes dining out as much as I do, and over the last few weeks I’ve noticed she is clued up on food and very observant when it comes to small details that even I sometimes miss. So the other week when I took her out to dinner for our two month anniversary (how sad are we!!) I thought I’d ask for her help in writing a review of the place. So this is our first joint review. Here goes…

Italian Food Thats Worth Staying Home For

Restaurant Averna
142 Walton Road, East Molesey, Surrey

We decided on an Italian place in Molesey (the place I now call home). For a town its size,  Molesey has a fairly good selection of restaurants featuring all the staples such as Indian, Chinese and traditional British grub, as well as a French bistro called the Smoking Dog which looks somewhat out of place. But we chose this place as her Aunt, Uncle and Cousins go there regularly and it is meant to be pretty good (although judging by her uncle’s taste in hats we should not really be listening to him).

For a place which comes so highly recommended, we both expected it to be heaving on a Friday night however we were seated immediately at one of the four outside tables, however they had given us a wonky one and when the drinks came it turned into something of a balancing act. We mentioned it to the waiting staff and were told that it would be sorted out for us. The Girlfriend’s laser eyes activated and she started to pick up on things – the tablecloth was dirty, the cutlery looked like it had been used, and the ashtray was full (although neither of us smoke).

Normally, this would be enough to get me heading for the door. But we were both hungry and I was quite excited to try the food as it had such a high recommendation. Unfortunately we had to wait nearly an hour to be served, despite the fact that there were only about ten other people there. Luckily they eventually got round to fixing our table before a plate of bread with olive oil arrived. By now it was starting to get late so we decided to pass on a starter and go straight for the main courses. The Girlfriend was feeling a bit under the weather so she went for a Margherita pizza and I opted for the Seafood Risotto.

The Girlfriend had to resort to soaking her pizza in flavoured olive oil and heaps of salt and pepper, as in her opinion it was lacking in flavour or anything that resembled flavour. When I pulled her up on this, she handed me a slice which had escaped most of the oil shower and when I tasted it I could see why. The cold, sorry-looking triangle was incredibly bland and overcooked to the point where it was crunchy throughout. Normally I don’t mind a bit of crunch on the crusts but this was ridiculous. We did not think that it was possible for anybody with half a brain to fuck up a Margherita pizza that badly, let alone an Italian restaurant. After further research, we have discovered an establishment on the same row of shops that actually does a better Margherita. It’s called Tesco’s.

My seafood risotto was a little better, however it was also a bit on the cold side. The seafood in question (according to the menu, anyway) was ‘prawns, mussels, clams and squid’. They all tasted fresh, however I was a bit disappointed that there was only one prawn, which itself was buried at the bottom of the dish and was left for me to de-shell myself. This I am more than happy to do. In fact, as a nipper the landlord of my Grandad’s local used to put me to work on a Sunday morning shelling a whole bucket of prawns for 50p a pop (nothing like child labour). So I know my way around a prawn. Hehe.

The problem I had was that I did not realise this thing was lurking under there until about halfway through the dish, and while I had been frantically slashing and diving around with my cutlery looking for any trace of prawn I’d inadvertently lopped off a few tentacles. Or legs. Whatever they have. These I could have easily choked on, so I was not a happy bunny. Call me picky if you like, but what was the problem with simply placing a solitary prawn on top, like the Spanish do with Paella, or take the shells off themselves?

As for the rest of the dish, I found the tomato-based sauce lacked enough flavour to really do the ingredients justice, in fact it was only a couple of steps up from the stuff that Heinz chuck over their alphabetti spaghetti. At least the rice was cooked properly and the waiting staff were cheerful and attentive. At least one of them was anyway.

To sum up, I cannot really recommend Averna although we may simply have caught them on a bad night. But from a business point of view first impressions are what counts and there is a Pizza Express just five minutes up the road. For once I am more than happy to side with the nationwide chain rather than a family owned restaurant. To be honest alarm bells should have rung earlier on in the day when I had looked at their website, the main focus of which seemed to be the recent extension to their premises. In fact nobody even thought to put the menu or anything about the food on their website, save for a macaroni cheese recipe which is somewhat strange. It is as if they are telling you to stay at home and make macaroni cheese rather than coming out to eat at their restaurant. You can copy the link below and paste it into your browser if you want to see for yourself what I mean; I would post the link here but Dean says that every page you link to counts as a “vote” for that website or something. And Averna certaintly did not get our vote.

http://www.italian-restaurant-molesey.co.uk/index.html

Place: 3/5
Service: 1/5
Food: 2/5
Value: 3/5
OVERALL: 9/20

Last week if you read my blog post I was moaning about what to get my mum, who is a pretty difficult person to buy for. But it had not even occured to me that i should put some proper thought into what I am going to get the girlfriend as well as Christmas is just under two months away and I don’t really have a clear-cut idea of what sort of gift she will be expecting.

It will be our first Christmas together so I want to make sure I  get her something she will really like, so rather than showering her with a load of pointless Christmas Gifts I have decided to get her one big present and put all my thoughts and energies into that. Plus I might save a bit of money on the wrapping paper.

This is a paid review

So, what happened??

Well, since my last proper blog post (which I think was as far back as Wesley’s birthday), a lot has happened. I’ve met a girl, relocated to Surrey, and was recently elected as President of Zambia. Well, two of those things are true anyway.

Yes, I now have a girlfriend.

Some of you might remember a post I wrote around this time last year, where I announced I’d joined a dating site. In that post I promised that I’d keep you all updated on any developments, so if you have been waiting for that update then I apologise. There simply weren’t any developments.

That was until mid-August when I started chatting to a young lady whose profile caught my eye. So on the 20th of August I got the train down to Kingston Upon Thames to meet up with her.

The 20th of August was a Saturday. I planned to take her out for dinner then for a few drinks, and get the last train back to London. But you know what they say about the best laid plans, and that certainly rung true because I did not end up getting home until around 8pm on Tuesday evening.

So since then, I’ve been spending most of my time down in the quaint little suburb of West Molesey. I say “quaint little suburb”, actually a more accurate description of it is “chav stronghold stuck in a time warp back to the early 90′s”. But it’s got a couple of good points. It’s got 2 tescos, a subway, and it’s only 5 minutes from Hampton Court.

But enough about that. You’re probably all wondering what she’s like. Well I’ll tell you a little bit about her. Her name is Emma, she’s 20, she’s quite short (about 5’2), with brown hair and green/blue eyes, and she likes to throw ice at people. She’s sweet and incredibly cute. And we’ve got a hell of a lot in common, from the films and video games and food we like right down to tiny little details as well. For instance, if I’m walking with someone I have to be on the left. She has to be on the right.

We also both like dining out, and she is going to be helping me with future restaurant reviews, in fact we should be putting our first one up within the next week or so so look out for that.

Unfortunately she’s a Chelsea fan, but nobody’s perfect. As I’ve said to her many times before, it’s the little imperfections that make something perfect. And I know that she’s reading this so I just want to say thank you babe for putting up with me. I’m really looking forward to spending a lot more time with you from now on, particularly after the 17th of November (You know what I’m talking about). I’m a really lucky guy. Thank you for being there for me babe and for making me happy. You have no idea how much better off my life is now that you’re a part of it, and you’re a very big part of it. I love you so much my honeybum / duckling. xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Well, with the festive season just around the corner once again, I can tell you that it has not got any easier. I have been on a bit of a budget recently, so splashing out on something ridiculously lavish was unfortunately out of the question. I thought about getting her some perfume, but I remembered a couple of years ago I did that and she complained that I got her the wrong kind. I thought about getting her some chocolates, but I know exactly what will happen – they will be sitting in the fridge for about three months just until I think she has forgotten about them, then I will eat them and she will moan that she was saving them.

So I asked my girlfriend for advice. (Yes, I now have a girlfriend. More on that later ) Anyway, she told me that a couple of years ago she bought her dad a subscription to some fishing magazine that he reads religiously. He was apparently very pleased. So I searched the net for discount magazine subscriptions and quickly learned that they didn’t have to cost so much if you bought them online. In fact, I think one would be well within my budget and I could even get her something else with the money that’s left.

Now I just hope that she doesn’t read this and find out what I’m getting her for Christmas.

This is a paid review

Take languages, for example. Twenty years ago translating a simple word or phrase might have meant a trip to the library. Now of course we have Google Translate, with which we can decipher foreign languages at the click of a button.

The online translators are all well and good if you’re trying to find out the Japanese word for “Happiness” or wish your Hungarian friend a happy birthday in his native tongue. But have you ever wondered what you would do if you suddenly needed, say, a 300 page legal document translated from Greek to English, for example? When the online servers just can’t hack it, it’s time to call in the help of a professional translation company.

My friend Matt recently found himself in this predicament. He speaks only a little bit of Greek and had a deadline looming on a property he was looking to buy in Crete. So he had to find a professional translation service. As he was also busy with family problems, I volunteered to help him out.

Finding an organisation that can not only meet one’s needs but is also reliable, accurate and versatile can be a huge challenge. Ploughing through the myriad of translation agencies available online out of the many different ones on offer, I came across a company called Rosetta Translation who really stood out for me. For each project, they put together a team of hand-selected language professionals so in effect it is a tailor made service designed to meet each client’s specific needs.

I gave Matt their contact details and he got in touch with them. This was a few weeks ago, and I got a call from him today saying it had all gone through okay. So hopefully I’ll get an invite to his housewarming party. Time to send him a message reminding him to stock up on Ouzo. Now, what’s the Greek for “See you soon”, I wonder??

Most of the stuff on there wasn’t important, however, and some of it I have saved elsewhere. But I lost the novel I have been writing since I was 15. I say lost it, the copy I have on my old PC is over 2 years old so I’ve basically lost all the work I’ve done on it in the last 2 years. So I am not a happy Raven right about now.

Speaking of novels, someone sent me a link to the Facebook fan page of this e-novel called “Archangel’s Fury”, a biblical thriller of epic proportions. I haven’t read a good fantasy novel for ages (for the want of a better term), as I’ve been reading mainly non-fiction lately, yet I might have to give it a go as it does sound quite good.

Being an e-novel, which is something I’m not too familiar with, I would have to buy a Kindle or another similar device to really appreciate it. I can’t really afford one at the moment but if you can (or already own one), then you can purchase “Archangel’s Fury” on this well known  book site named after a rainforest in South America. And if you do, please let me know what you think as I may buy a Kindle very soon and this will be at the top of my list if I do.

This is a paid review

Shaka Zulu Restaurant, Lounge and bar
Stables Market, Chalk Farm Road, Camden, London NW1 8AB

I love African food and am of the opinion that it is woefully overlooked and largely underrepresented in London, and in the mainstream as a whole. So when Shaka Zulu opened its doors last year I was relieved that finally someone had come along and was doing high end African cuisine in the heart of London and I remember thinking… “This could really take off”.

Of course I was right. Pretty soon the word of Shaka Zulu was spreading faster than a brushfire across the Serengeti. Everyone was talking about the new kid on the block, the ‘block’ in question being Camden Stables Market which also houses the equally hip and trendy Gilgamesh.

I’d been meaning to check it out for quite some time but just never got round to it until this weekend just gone. My friend Wesley had decided on Shaka Zulu as the venue for his birthday celebrations, and I’d already had a peek at their menu by virtue of the internet. In fact I’d already picked out what I wanted – at least for main course, anyway. When I eat out I always like to try something I’ve never had before, and “Crumbed Zebra Loin” certainly fell into that category.

So I’d been starving myself all day long in anticipation of trying a nice bit of zebra. When I’d woken up that morning with my traditional Saturday morning hangover, I’d resisted the temptation to kill it with a bacon sandwich. “Just think of the zebra”, I told myself. By about 2pm I was so hungry I could have even eaten a Pot Noodle. Even on the tube on the way down there, a woman sitting opposite me had a zebra-print handbag and I was almost salivating all over the carriage floor. However I made it to Camden Town and met up with Wes and his friend Pauline at the barriers, and we made our way past all the food stalls to the Stables Market. By this time I could have eaten a whole zebra.

A dimly lit doorway revealed an escalator which descended into the bar area of the restaurant. Riding an escalator down kind of felt like we were waiting to go on a ride at Alton Towers or something. However when we stepped off, we stepped off into another world…

I know these photos won’t really do the place justice, but it’s the best I could do with my camera. But to say I was impressed with the place would be an understatement. It was HUGE!! Two floors, with a reception and bar area upstairs overlooking the main bar and restaurant below, thus:

Now I’ve been to quite a few “themed” restaurants. It’s difficult to keep the theme going throughout without making the place look and feel tacky, but Shaka Zulu does this so well that at times I had to remind myself I wasn’t actually in Africa and this made me question whether Shaka Zulu is even a “themed” restaurant at all. And the answer is a profound no. This place is so much more, although little details such as a massive escalator slap bang in the middle of the place nudged me out of my African fantasy and back into the renovated basement underneath Camden Market. To sum it up briefly, The place is spectacular and possibly has the best decor of any restaurant I’ve ever been to. Granted, it is over the top, but it’s also class without the feel that it’s tried too hard to appear classy. Although when I read that the owner reportedly spent a cool 5 and a half million on the interior alone it kind of shows. The huge Zulu warrior statues dotted about must have speared a hole through his wallet.

We had a beer in the bar area while we waited for two more of Wesley’s mates to turn up (I had a Windhoek which is a damn fine lager) and then Ivan and June arrived and we were ready to eat. I was really looking forward to my zebra now. In fact I’d become like Alex the lion from the Madagascar films where he sees steaks everywhere he looks. Good job we sat down when we did otherwise I might have munched Wesley’s arm off.

We were presented with a much smaller á la carte menu offering two courses for £19.00, and I have to say the choice was very poor (it was literally meat, fish or vegetarian). So we asked to see the full menu instead. However when they brought it over we were informed that we all had to order from the same menu be it the á la carte or the full menu. Basically if one of us wanted to order from the full menu then we would all have to. This puzzled us – and one of our party even called the manager over to explain. She gave us some excuse about how they were very busy and apparently “the system would not allow it, and the chefs would not allow it”. So it seems that perhaps the chefs are running the restaurant. Either that or their till system has gone rogue. I felt perhaps they could have solved this by simply splitting us into two groups and ringing them through as two separate orders or something. It surely could not have been beyond them to come up with a solution.

However she stuck to her guns, which annoyed me a bit. But we had a brief conference and eventually ended up ordering from the full menu – albeit at a higher price. For starters, I opted for the ‘Cape Malay pickled red mullet, 12 spices, garlic, shallots & chilli, served chilled with lemon oil and coriander shoots”. A bit of a mouthful. And indeed when it arrived, it was:

The portion size was generous (again, the picture doesn’t tell the full story here. That plate was huge). Taste-wise, though, it was okay. Nothing overly special, but not unpleasant either. You could definitely taste that it was pickled – think rollmop herring with a slightly firmer texture, like a rollmop gone planking. For something that supposedly contained chilli and 12 spices this was not hot in the slightest. A lot of flavours competing, possibly a couple too many if you ask me. It was as if they were trying to mask the taste of the (already pickled) fish, which I picked a couple of bones out of.

The leaves on top were, in my view, unnecessary. I’m not in any way a presentation nazi – in my view taste comes first and if it happens to look nice on the plate then that’s a bonus – but I felt that they just covered it up and the whole sauce thing going on on the left just screamed “cliche”. Overall though, it was a so-so starter.

Wesley, on the other hand, had gone for the aubergine salad – which was aubergine caviar with grilled smoked aubergine, pea shoots and lemon oil. Wesley is allergic to fish, and since fish dishes comprised more than half of the starters, he was probably a little disappointed about his lack of choices, but he changed his tune when this arrived:

Again, covered in leaves. Maybe they should just ‘leave’ it out. Hehe.

However, Wesley was pleased with his starter which he described as being really nice. I tried a little and will second that. Quite nice indeed. The consistency of hummus without the graininess, and the occasional burst of pomegranate which worked really well. Sometimes a vegetarian dish can appear rushed, with just enough thought gone into it to keep the veggie diners happy. This was one example of a vegetarian dish done quite well and in hindsight I would have gladly swapped this for my fish starter (although not with Wesley!!)

With the starter down, we were looking forward to our main course. Well, apart from me. I’d been informed that the zebra was off the menu.

Yes, that’s right. The thing that I’d been looking forward to all week had been taken off. Apparently some people had complained about zebra being hunted illegally in South Africa and although the waiter assured me that the restaurant had never bought any illegal game, they still had to bow to peer pressure and remove the offending item from their menus.

Now I was pissed off. Fucking do-gooders sticking their noses in and telling me what I can and can’t do. I mean seriously, what is their beef?? (No pun intended. Most of them were probably vegetarians anyway). As far as I know, zebras as a whole aren’t endangered, in fact I’ve heard that the plains zebra is quite abundant. It’s only a couple of sub-species that are protected, so as long as they weren’t hunting those ones, why was it a problem? If you don’t agree with zebra hunting, don’t eat zebra. Simples. I know this phrase is contradictory and inappropriate in context, but you gotta live and let live. And to quote Tony Bourdain on this, when I get hungry, things die.

So after pointing out to the waiter that London Zoo is only five minutes down the road and hinting that they could score some zebra from there, but alas to no avail, I opted for the spit roast of the day (oo-er), which turned out to be shoulder of lamb served with peri peri fries and chakalaka (South African coleslaw).

More freakin’ leaves!!

This was really nice. I hate to use all the old meat clichés but very tender and succulent, fall apart in your mouth, etc. This I had no complaints with as a main meal other than the fact that lamb shoulder is something I’ve had before. Though to be fair this was done really well with just the right amount of fat on, which had become crisp around the edges and provided an amazing fresh from the braai flavour. The fries were really nice too as fries go. Wesley had ordered the same as me for our main, and both of us enjoyed it thoroughly.

As we were tucking in, I was disturbed by some noise from the other side of the room. I thought I’d already been informed that there were no zebras around that night, yet my eyes were deceiving me:

I swear that one on the left took some of my fries. Nevertheless it was an interesting distraction from our meals!! Unfortunately I cut half of Ivan’s face off, sorry Ivan!!

Elsewhere on our table, Pauline had gone for the Boerewors sausage which I tried and can assure you that although it looked like something one of those zebras might have left behind it tasted fantastic. The smokey aftertaste was intense, almost like edible incense. (Hey, I did a rhyme )

June went for the Bobotie, a kind of South African take on shepherd’s pie. Curried mince meat with a custard crust, served with rice. From what I gather she was quite pleased with it.

The only one who was a little disappointed was Ivan; he’d ordered the battered kingklip which is like a long thin whitefish with a taste comparable to cod or haddock. Whilst he seemed happy with the taste, he felt that the portion size was a bit on the small side. I did not manage to get a picture of this one as he was right over the other side of the table but from where I was sitting it did look like you’d need two to fill you up.

We skipped dessert and settled the bill – Four starters and five mains with drinks and service came to about £160 which is expensive on my budget. Granted the food was not bad, but I still felt it was somewhat overpriced. Overall the whole experience had its highs and lows, the decor in itself is worth going there to see, but the drinks are expensive, the spit roast of the day turned out to be a winner however my red mullet starter came under the heading of “could do better”. I wouldn’t rule out coming back here in the future, for example it’s an ideal place for a work gathering or something along those lines or to try something a little different. But I for one would like to see them stand up to these killjoy protesters and put more African game meats on the menu.

Place: 5/5
Service: 3/5*
Food: 3/5
Value: 2/5**
OVERALL: 13/20

*Fast efficient table service makes up for their weird menu policy, which is obviously no fault of the waiting staff.

**Based on prices for the full menu, although the á la carte menu is considerably cheaper, and they often run Groupon promotions too.